Exploring Adultery in Marriage
LIVE FROM THE MOM
Salt Lake City, Utah
This is HOTM
Where together we are learning how to live in the Age of Christian Fulfillment.
And I’m your host Shawn McCraney.
Show 10 A Adultery
Taped February 25th 2020
Aired March 1st 2020
I don’t know if you know this but the way I have orchestrated our topics this year is that I have pretended that we have a living couple before us who have chosen to be married in God’s eyes. And then I take this married couple and use them and their lives together (in a fictitious relationship) to face various topics that pop up along the first days, months, and years of their marriage. So, in a loosely based fictional chronology of their relationship we have talked about sexuality and sexual practices, birth control, abortion, and adoption. Tonight we are going to talk about another A word that steps into the lives of many married people – adultery.
Understanding Infidelity
According to a GSS (General Social Survey) cited in a Pew Report Study on Infidelity: In general, men are more likely than women to cheat as 20% of men and 13% of women in general reported that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married. What’s interesting is that age plays a really important role in understanding these figures. For instance, among ever-been-married adults between the ages of 18 to 29, women are slightly more likely than men to be guilty of infidelity (11% vs. 10%). Isn’t that fascinating? And we could come up with all sorts of guesses as to why including feeling unwanted, being selfish, abuse, marrying too early, and just being immature. But this gap quickly reverses among those aged 30 to 34 and it continues to grow wider in the older age groups of the genders. Also, in both genders infidelity increases during the middle ages, though rates for men remains higher. And the age when women reported the highest rate of infidelity? Their 60s! Isn’t that something. But after that (the 70s) the rate drops right off and goes to its lowest in the 80s. You might say, well of course it does? People in their 70s and 80s having affairs? Comeon! Well let me surprise you but the highest rate of infidelity for men, believe it or not, occurs in their . . . 70’s and remains high into their 80s! So the GREATEST gaps in cheating among the genders peaks in the oldest age group (ages 80+) in a difference of 18 percentage points between men and women. One study I read suggested that parents who remained married lowered the statistical rate of adultery in their children, but it also concluded that race, age, fornication prior to what they call marriage, and as we have said, gender, all play a somewhat significant role in who will cheat. Two factors that are not so significant are political party and education.
Biblical Perspective on Adultery
However, the one statistic that was not surprising but really sad, and it will be the thing we talk about next week, is that among ever-been-married adults who have cheated on their spouses, 40% are currently divorced or separated but by comparison, only 17% of adults who were faithful to their spouse are no longer married. Flip this around, less than half of “cheaters” are currently married, compared with 76% of those who did not cheat. And while this is what I ultimately want to speak to – divorce tonight, let’s stick with adultery itself. The first time the word is used in the Bible is Exodus 20:14, as it is the seventh of ten commandments and it plainly states:
14 “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”
Interestingly, an adulterer in the Old Testament sense of the word was a man who had illicit intercourse with a married or an engaged woman, and a woman who did the same – this was committing adulteress. Intercourse between a married person and an unmarried person was called fornication. In the Mosaic world adultery was regarded as a great social wrong, as well as a great sin, and was punishable by death. Remember this – because it is the starting point for us today looking historically on the sin.
Now, how I am defining adultery is when either partner in the marriage has sexual relations with another party. I am not about to try and define the relations or actions here because there are ten thousand definitions people have (meaning to some people sneaking a phone call to another person is an affair) so in the end I am going to define adultery.
Adultery and Its Broader Implications
To the working definition of pornography, which is: “Material that stimulates erotic (or sexual) feelings in the viewer (rather than aesthetic, intellectual or emotional feelings) in the same.”
That is really a broad based definition of pornography I know because there are some people who become sexually aroused by some really odd things – automobiles, shoes and windy days – but to them, those things would be defined as stimulating erotic feelings, and therefore for them such things would and could be defined as pornographic.
I use or borrow this definition and assign it to adultery because everyone involved in any level of an illicit affair KNOWS what they are doing, what they are after, how they are thinking, and what is turning them on – no matter how the turn on is manifesting. I say this because there are a lot of people who will justify an illicit relationship that as innocent because it has not produced sexual engagement of any kind. Through this definition, adultery takes on a better stance and leaves it to the individual to admit what is stimulating them – and not. Therefore, I define adultery as
Definition and Justification
“a person who is stimulated erotically (rather than aesthetically, intellectually or emotionally) by another who is not their spouse.”
Now, I realize that all sorts of bells and whistles will go off here because of the games people play with words and definitions. Many men will justify flirting and many women will justify friendships by saying “nothing happened.” It’s not whether something happened or not – its what is happening in the mind and heart that makes adultery what it is, with things happening coming later.
Think of it this way: All married people have emotional, aesthetic or intellectual attractions and stimulation with others who are outside their marriages. A man loves the aesthetics of a female painter, a woman is stimulated intellectually by a professor, a couple cries in a movie by the portrayals of the actors. This is being human. But when a man loves the aesthetics of a neighbor's wife, or a woman is stimulated intellectually by a co-worker on her lunch breaks, or a couple allow each other to fantasize about sex with their favorite movie star, we cross the line of aesthetic, intellectual and/or emotional attraction and move into the realms of adultery.
Jesus' Teachings on Adultery
Doesn’t this make most married couples guilty? Of course it does. That is why Jesus said:
Matthew 5:27-28 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
This was something new that Jesus brought to the game. The Jews were satisfied with themselves and their purity if they never touched another woman while married. That was the Law, and that was how the law worked – touch not, taste not. But the King of the Heavenly Kingdom wanted to show them that there was more to being a child of God – and that more started with the heart. That is why 1st Samuel 16:7 says that “men look on the outward appearance but the Lord looks on the heart.”
Consequences and Response
And it is upon this take of adultery that I want to go now. Remember the sentence for adultery in the Old Testament? It was death. We saw that played out (though the citation is somewhat spurious according to some scholars) in the story of the woman who was caught in the very act of adultery. Remember it? It is a profound teaching on how we too, ought to react to adultery in the lives of those around us.
What do we read? John 8 beginning at verse 2
2 And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them.
This was a gathering of people so to me it was a church, the ecclesia – sitting around and learning from the master.
3 And the scribes and Pharisees (keepers of the Law) brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,
A public tribunal – no different than what elders boards do today with others, and no different than what groups of believers do when they hear about the adulteries of other believers – they hold a court, a court of condemnation and death.
And in this account the accusers present their opening
The Woman Caught in Adultery
4 Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.
5 Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?
6 This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.
I find the act of him writing on the ground so highly symbolic as it was the finger of God that wrote out the law on tablets of stone and here Jesus, God with us, was writing, apparently in the dust, a pulverized form of stone. So, he writes as if not hearing them. (verse 7)
7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
(Long long beat)
I mean, what more do you want? It’s right there. You see, when we take what Jesus said about adultery, that its in the heart, almost every one of us are guilty. Why? Because we are human. We have experiences and genetics, that make our flesh up, we are selfish, we have desires, we find ourselves in situations, we purposely pursue wrong or we get caught up in it – whatever it is – whoever is without sin, let THEM cast the first stone. (verse 8)
8 And again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
Jesus' Response to Accusations
Some scholars suggest that what Jesus was writing in the dust was each of the accusers names and their particular sins as verse 9 says
9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.
Here was Jesus chance to rip her apart. Here was the time for God with us to take this woman who just had the illicit lover on and in her body to condemn her, banish her, and make her feel really, really bad for doing what she did to her husband and the wife of her lover. (verse 10)
10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
Mercy and Understanding
Had she repented? Not according to the story. Did she confess? Not according to the story. She was caught, that is for sure. But none of the things religion wants to extract from sinners – especially adulterers did Jesus try and extract from her.
What did he do? He showed her mercy. Which is a product of agape love. And he did this in the midst of the assembly, or what we would call a church. And in this model we find the fulfillment of the Romans 2 verse that says that it is “the goodness of God leads us to repentance?”
Ashamedly, and as you know, I have a masters degree in what we call fornication and a PH.D in the charge of adultery. I experienced the religious response to my sin and saw that it accomplished nothing in my heart. Sure I could be contrite and fearful over the rocks that were gonna be cast at my head in their tribunals, but in my heart there was NO change. This was in part due to my experiences, history and upbringing, in part because of my genetics, in part because of my personal desires to connect to other people and in part to lust. But I could NOT be governed or changed by external religious practice which typically handle cases of adultery by putting people to death.
A Different Response to Adultery
I get – I really get the pain, damage and utter selfishness of adultery. And I know firsthand the pain it causes in surviving spouses – it's horrific and terribly destructive to marriages and families. But in order to salvage the fall out from the act, we must – in my estimation – respond to the guilty party in a different way in the age of fulfillment.
Why? Because to join in the stoning party does NOTHING but put the guilty to death leaving the entire family devastated for life. My actions as a married man in the past were abhorrent, selfish, and egotistically driven. I
The Power of Agape Love in Addressing Adultery
acted on the immediate and allowed myself to escape from the realities of real life and the challenges of marital relations. But worst of all, the actions forever marred the most important people in my life – my wife and my three daughters.
Now listen closely –
The religious response was to shame me, reject me, excommunicate me, and punish me. The religionists told my wife to divorce me. That she had “biblical grounds,” and that she should find a worthy man to be with her.
While all of that was true, did they EVER consider what that advice if followed would do to my family?
I know, I know – did I ever consider what my actions would do to my family? I was not capable of such humility and love – I was too selfish, too “out of my mind” to tell you the truth, too egotistical – and the only solution that would last would be to bringing Jesus in.
But religions response to my insanity was nothing more than more insanity – and when I saw this, I knew I had to do something about it to save the family I did love from the fallout of my actions. Yes, my actions hurt the fabric of my family deeply – and there are still deeply felt pains in the hearts of my wife and daughters. But the solution – the real non-religiously based solution to my selfish actions has proven itself more than capable of taking a very ugly situation and in the end turning it to good – which is why I am recommending this approach over what has been – I’ve lived it first hand, I’ve seen it work not only in my life, but in the lives of my daughters and wife.
The Role of Agape Love
In the event a spouse commits adultery on the family – because that is what it is, its against the whole family – that guilty spouse has to be met with love. Agape love. This love can take the form of anger, it can be direct, it can be expressed in grave disappointment and pain and with tears, but these things must be couched in patience, longsuffering, peace, truth and hope.
The reason this approach is necessary is because the offender is or has been under a spell. It’s a real thing. And we might summarize that spell as a spell of the flesh. See, the basic truth of adultery is that it is of the flesh – it is a work of the human flesh – and it is the overwhelming power of the flesh that is involved in adultery.
Scripture support this as Paul writes:
Scriptural Perspective
19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness . . . (Galatians 5:19)
When the nation of Israel turned against God, Jeremiah called her an adultress over and over in his writings. She was God’s wife but went a whoring after false Gods, and for this reason Adultery and Idolatry in scripture are closely related. See, the Nation was not satisfied with the Goodness of God, they did not appreciate some of his absences from them, and wanted a spouse who immediately was on hand for all of their wants and needs. And so they turned to idols, imagining that the idols were capable of fulfilling their every wish.
Same thing happens in cases of adultery today – it’s a form of idolatry, thinking that another person can fulfill the needs and wants of the infidel. Somewhere in this delusion, this fantasy, the flesh of the participants becomes so powerful that the spell takes form – and the guilty are almost blind to the realities around them: The realities of the harm they are doing to those they love, or of the failures in the object of idolatry that they have joined with – they are actually operating in ways that are totally contrary to what they used to be and do, so much so that people who know them closely don’t even recognize them – their behaviors, their attitudes, or the way they think.
Why? Because the person that they were, the person that was known, the person who was
Selfless Humble and grateful There and dedicated to them A worker, and Someone with an eternal view
Has become someone ensconced in their flesh. Wholly overcome by it. And what does that look like? It’s a completely different person than who they knew!
Instead of
Selflessness (they have become selfish)
Instead of Daddy being Humble and grateful (they have
The Heart of the Matter: Adultery's Impact
Instead of Mommy being there and dedicated to them (mommy is living “her” life because this is “her” time to live) instead of being someone who labors and works for the family (Daddy escapes to places of fantasy). And instead of someone with an eternal view (the adulterer looks to the immediate, lives for the immediate, and tosses everything that was long term in their former lives to the wind).
This is a spell and while it may be broken from external religious pressures, the heart within is still remain susceptible to its wiles until the heart changes. And so this is the first responders goal in the face of adultery – to break the spell – and it happens in and through love. If we try and break the spell through anger and threats and condemnation, we only respond to a fleshly spell with the flesh, and marriages and families are destroyed in the process.
Saving Marriages and Families
And so we go to work on the Heart of the Matter, and so we gently introduce and reveal to the guilty to their selfishness, their ego, their absence from reality, and the immediacy of their world view over the eternal view. We do this as a means to save the marriage, to save the family, and to help bring in solutions that last and work rather than responses that accomplish nothing.
And this brings me to my final point tonight. As Christians living in the age of fulfillment, we discard the standard modes of operation that have long been used and applied and accepted in painful situations and we labor arduously to redeem, reconcile and repair the damages done. For some reason, people seem to enjoy putting scarlett letters over the chest of infidels, and they seems to justify the encouragement of breaking up families over this selfish crime.
Living Proof of Redemption
I am living proof that God through Christ can take a really, really bad situation and make it better in the lives of all involved, when He is put first. Of course, because of the pain I’ve caused if I could rewind and take all my actions back I would, but that is not how life works is it? So, what we are talking about is how to handle life as it happens, not as we wish it would happen. And when it comes to adultery, the question is not, can it happen? It can. The question we want to address is what do we all do – spouses, children, friends, in-laws, neighbors, pastors, churches – in response to it.
I think Jesus gave us the answer with the woman caught in the very act. Listen, write your comments below and we will cover them but in this topic I want to emphasize the long-term effects adultery has on everyone involved – I really do. And I want to suggest to anyone out there who is toying with the idea to talk to God and talk openly to their spouse. Bringing things to the light is the first step in killing the mold.
If you love your children and spouse and you are feeling yourself pulled into the spell, talk about it – talk to me! I would love to help you if you want it – just email me and in the meantime write your comments below and we will get to them in two weeks because tomorrow night we will be running an interview with a special guest – about polygamy.
Here on HEART OF THE MATTER!
