Personal Reflection and Spiritual Journey
I will turn sixty-four in 90 days. Since I can remember I have felt shame, guilty, and at odds with the world around me; more to the point, discomfited, out of sync and generally wandering about places and people without any sense of having a real home or place where I was accepted as me. This alienation was felt very early on in life and only grew as more of my personality came out to my family, friends, girlfriends, and people in our church. Because I was also naturally charming, a trait people seem to love as so few people really are, I was able to escape a great deal of scrutiny for my aberrational self through the guise of humor, feigning interest, and the administration of a quick wit. Hidden behind these masks lurked a very troubled soul, focused on the dark side of things and thoughts, driven to evil, as it were, and comforted by people, places, and expressions that a well-adjusted society would find off-putting at best but generally reprehensible when honest.
The Struggle with Spiritual and Artistic Interests
I am not by any means alone in these proclivities as millions of people are drawn to the Dark elements of the world in the arts, especially in music, film, and printed works. That said, I did have boundaries which would naturally raise their head when I flew too close to the sun, and I would automatically reject abject brutality, insensitive remarks toward others that were undeserved and hurtful, and/or acts of rape, molestation, and the like. I suppose what I really possessed in my person was an “aesthetic” for certain aspects of living that very few people that I knew cared about or were interested in. I curated my aesthetic according to my own tastes but found that around every corner was an individual who was critical of them and as I moved on into adulthood and even maturated Christianity. I always wondered about God since a very young age but I simultaneously discovered that I was also drawn to what I knew He was not about. This impasse ultimately led me to a place where in desperation I heard the Gospel message, responded to it from my heart, and was miraculously born from above (regenerated spiritually) which forever altered the course of my adult existence.
From 1997 through April of 2024, I hotly pursued learning and knowing more about Him and His ways on a daily basis. Occupations, making money, entertainments, and other things people love in this life were never an obstacle in this pursuit because I truly sought Him and the Kingdom of GodGod’s spiritual reign—fulfilled and present, not political or future. over those years and tried to leave no stone unturned. I took this approach to Him because I had been changed in my heart and could see the futility (in terms of the meaning of life) of trying to prioritize such things in light of Him and His power, but I was also personally uninterested in any of them as I saw these pursuits as failing to measure up to what He offered me and my family. I will never ever regret these twenty-seven years and I intend on living out the rest of my days in a continued, ardent pursuit of knowing Him and His Kingdom all as a means to teach and share what I have discovered.
Unconventional Interests and Their Impact
That said, all the while I have been in pursuit of Him, from my highest points to my lowest, I have never been able to shake my affinity for things other committed Christian believers, and other human beings, simply do not find interesting or worthwhile. Because of this I was ashamed of my affinities, views, and interests in things others either renounce or totally avoid and when they presented themselves I have always felt like I am bad, that I am a demon, or that I like things others have been able to resist, avoid or never appreciate. So as to not be obtuse, these things specifically include,
A more artsy side of art
Extremes in film, music, sculpture
New expressions that challenge conventions
Large metropolis living – cities over country
Pain, tattoos, unique clothing
Old rusty ugly vehicles
Open sexuality
Extremely modern architecture
Concrete, steel and glass houses and art
Slow moving dark films that explore taboo subjects
Eating really tasty food lacking pretense
Stark haircuts (super long or buzzed)
Large plain oversized clothing
Or fitted apparel of color on small thin people.
Empty deserts, seas, mountains – windswept with extreme temps.
Broken outcast people
Loud small club scenes with punk bands
Drugs
Personal Preferences and Experiences
without addiction Spirits and forces and drive passion Being alone Theoretical Communism Simultaneously, I am not a fan of Crowded places and spaces (Malls, Carnivals, Fairs, etc) Haute couture clothing High End dining Expensive cars Tract housing of any kind Serious business people Golf and most golfers CGI movies of most kinds Large Concert Venues Most organizations Stingy people Cultures of almost every kind Politics and political people People that criticize others for their tastes Many art styles popular today in all areas. Commercials of every kind. Group think. Loud Proud pro-Flag/Americanism Laws enforced because they are laws.
A Distinct Memory
I bear about a distinct memory for some odd reason that serves as a constant reminder that my person is not like others but to also exemplify how I am forever feeling shame for my tastes. I had attended a school of Ministry to learn the Bible and while there made some friends with other male students. One of them has gone on to become quite famous and reputable in the world of Christian apologetics. Right before graduating from our school, I was asked to create my own television program from the ground up – intro, outro, music, video selection, and show contents – which I did. We used a song from the popular band, U2, which, in my world, is benign in their style and music. One morning my fellow student voiced his displeasure with the song and its tones – mimicking a high pitched note and undulates under the score. This note was frankly one of the only things I liked about the score, besides the music, but in the face of his criticism and his walk with God I felt ashamed, evil if you will, unacceptable because of this single instance. Whether it be the fast food I like, the music, the cultures or the art that accompanies such I have forever felt – as a participant in religion or in the company of religious people – “lesser,” “not as faithful,” or like I needed to change how God made me in these non-sinful ways in order to better please Him. I cannot over emphasize the weight I have born for nearly sixty-four years because I love and seek God so much in the face of this.
Spiritual Perception and Encounter
One of the ways in which I am very distinct in how God made me is that I have a certain spiritual perspicuity that orbits around the unseen. Its been with me since birth as I was born with a caul over my head, a sign in some of the more back-wooded cultures of early American (and before) that suggested spiritual gifts. As a three or four year old I personally saw a woman who had been murdered in the house my parents bought, and have had numerous engagements with the unseen world ever since – none as astounding as seeing the woman but still metaphysical and involving the unseen realm. I have purposely avoided delving into these realms to much but have taken time to better understand them in terms of their history and what is believed about them.
In April of 2024, again, after nearly 27 years of seeking God in spirit and truth through sound biblical exegesis, I joined our entire family and we spent a month on the Hawaiian island of Oahu in a secluded house. While there I found myself unable to enjoy anything about the experience I had become so “heavenly minded,” and my children, especially my youngest daughter who works with me in the ministry, called me out. Long story short I took her criticism of me and my indifference to the wonderful Hawaiian vacation with our family and talked to the Living God who assured me through His Spirit and the text that this life is purposeful, it is a gift, it should be enjoyed and that I was missing out due to my mind set in the heavenly afterlife. So from that moment forward I began to let go of my rigid grip on life and living and started to look around and enjoy this life a little more, all the while maintaining my devotion and allegiance to Him and Him alone.
Relearning Life
I did not know what this would amount to when I did it but the best way to explain it might be to say that I started to relearn how to live the life God had given me, Shawn McCraneyFounder of TGNN and developer of the fulfilled perspective—calling people to faith outside of religion., in the face of all that I had come to see about Him and His Kingdom. And when I say I didn’t know that
A Monumental Moment
is an understatement because all the gifts and sensitivities I was blessed with in my human existence started to come back and I found myself face to face, one again, with an abundance of otherworldly situations that defy sound explanation. This included new realms of information and observances had by others that were also very metaphysical. To put it mildly, I got alarmed and shut off all incoming influences by pulling back hard on what I was sensing and seeing. After a while they would return, more forcefully, emphatically and in harmony with other venues I learned to love and appreciate as a human being.
Was I losing my salvation? Was I becoming like a dog returning to its vomit? Was the Dark seeking to replace my devotion to the Light? Aren’t these things that I naturally relate to evil and not of God? The interesting thing was I was no less devout in my heart for God. My faith in Him and insights into His make-up and ways was stronger than ever, so what was I to think? In my heart I would never ever doubt Him, turn from Him or put any sort of idol, spirit, person or thing on par with Him, or even as a recipient of my worship. No, the 27 years forged my mind and heart on Him and His Son so what was going on?
Embracing Unique Gifts
After a few months of seeking and praying and wondering, I had an afternoon where all of this sort of converged in on some clarifying thoughts. This was why I called this post, A Monumental Moment. And here are the things I came to understand, I believe, from my Almighty Maker: My unique temperament and gifts are no different than a man who is gifted in making money, gardening, or crafting a meal for others. These gifts all have a place in the life of a believer and mine are not one bit different. Are they unusual? Yes. But they are how God made me and insofar as I am devoted to Him and Him alone, never pursuing or using these gifts to promote a way different that Him, I should use them like all people ought to use their respective gifts. My unique differences are not sinful, they are not against Him and there is no aesthetic that is holy and good; my aesthetic in my preferred human aesthetic and I relate to it the same way some people like purple and other people like red – they are personal tastes and my body and soul resonate to them.
Faith and Love
My likes and dislikes can be used in the sharing of the Great NewsThe message that prophecy is fulfilled and we are free to pursue God in love and liberty—without fear or religious control. with the waiting watching world. They might even serve to reach some people who might not ever hear or be willing to hear about God and His Son through the other avenues and means most people resonate toward. That even though my personal understanding of Dark forces is acute and I might be a person who understands and relates to them in ways that are overlooked or are absent or lacking in the lives of other believers – God can and will use these things in ways that may not have been accessible in this world in the past. The fact of the matter is, the way He made me has been reformed by His Spirit, and while my fleshly or soulish affinities may not reflect standard Christian culture, none of it is sinful in itself – and will never be sinful because I am dedicated to letting Him reign in and over me.
When I ultimately recognized that what please Him is faith and love, and that I live and operate by these principles, I am free and no matter what I personally relate to as a human being, I am His, and I could see that I needed to live and let go of all my fears and perceived failures and to really truly place my faith in Him and His finished work without any additions or subtractions. When this became obvious and clear to me, I was made free, once again. But this time the emancipation was not from sinMissing the mark of faith and love—no punishment, just lost growth or peace. and its wages. It was emancipation from the fear of judgement, from trying to perfect my flesh, and a liberation to now fully do what I was made to do – create from whatever inspirations and affinities I personally
Preserving God in Our Hearts
I possess, so long as I always place Him upon the throne of my heart. This was a monumental moment for me and enabled me to actually experience first hand the efficacious victorious work God has had in the world in and through the life, deathSeparation from God—now overcome. Physical death remains, but it no longer separates us from life with God., resurrection, ascension and promised return of His Son.
